collection of random thoughts. new and old.

there are times when she puts her energy into this ball of questions that will probably never get answered. it's a bit frustrating because it feels like this place, where she is right now, is so wrong for her.

it'll be great if she has all the money in the world and just go somewhere else, but she doesn't have that either. she has to make do. and she thinks it's okay, she can still put up with this boring boring life. she just doesn't know (and she really really wants to know) for how long.


***

all you can do is sigh. take it all in. like some problem you can't solve. it's always there. like this gigantic zit in the center of your nose. and it becomes your whole world. so you think you should so something just to stop that tik tok of the clock. 5 mins have passed and it feels like an hour. and you feel like this small helpless caged animal, trying to break down walls and walls of faces that just look right into you. only you're not an animal. and you can tip tap tip tap your life away on a little keyboard and write your thoughts because that's the only way to make time fly by.

***

but then, there's the rest of the world.

you spend your sundays kneeling. asking for something better for someone else. you try to include the rest of the world. light a candle. whisper words no one else could hear. talk to someone no one else could see.

you wonder if it helps. if it will. ever.

***

in private.

i started using lj again. but i rarely update. i feel like i changed so much that i can't really let my friends read who i've become.

and then i made this list. this bucket list of sorts. of the things i want to do before i turn 30. i still have 3 years and 10 months. i'd like to believe that's enough.

1. go to Japan
2. buy an slr camera and take random pictures of random people
3. dance to "truth" in a park somewhere
4. bungee jump
5. go to a really nice beach with Byron
6. get laid
7. learn to speak (and read) japanese
8. write something creative for the Arashi fandom
9. buy a house for my family
10. eat xiao long bao
11. lose 10 kgs
12. scuba dive or snorkel
13. change jobs/career
14. watch an Arashi concert

and i remember the thing about me not wanting to read Arashi NC-17 fan fiction. that's a total lie. i learned to read it and i love it so much.

but it's a secret. people in my office don't know about it. my roomies don't know about it. it's strange because i used to be so proud of things i'm kind of obsessed about but now i'm not because i'm surrounded by people who don't really know me.

***

i have this big bathroom, with this really big mirror and whenever you take a bath or have a shower you can totally see your fully naked body. like, it shows you who you really are. and you don't ever like it.

people always tell me to love myself. i'd love it if they'd give me instructions how to. like maybe a book. a manual. a guideline. i take care of myself but then i guess taking care and loving myself are two very different things.

these people, who tell me to love myself, seems like the kind of people who love themselves too much. i don't want to be like that. i kind of feel like a lost kid. in this really really big puzzle mansion, and whenever i try to open a door, a door i really like, a door that feels like the exit. it falls into a thousand puzzle pieces and i spend such a long time putting it back together. too see the door that i don't realize that there are a million other doors in there.

***

you like talking to yourself in the bathroom. because it's the only place you ever get to be alone. you talk and be yourself. and you talk and be another person. you become jun or aiba or nino or ohno or sho. and your fantasies are endless and frantic and empty.

***

i think i have might have a teeny problem.

nothing serious.

i just can't make myself read Arashi NC-17 yaoi/slash fanfic.

i mean, usually, i'd grab it by the balls you know? i'd read it until my eyes water from the smex, i'd search everywhere for the really GOOD fics and have them all bookmarked and organized and COPIED in my little hard drive like what happened with JiroHisa or RonDraco but no.

no i did not do those things. why? i honestly have no idea...

i have no problems reading the G to PG-13 fics, i read it fine. it makes my toes curl and my heart race because some of those things are sweet but yeah. it does not make me want to be part of the fandom but i so want to.

oh and did i mention that i used to stay far far away from Arashi, even when i was into Jun Matsumoto (i still am) i'd pretend that he's not part of some boyband but then one day i started watching "Stand Up!!" and i liked the opening song and then i found out it's by Arashi but i downloaded it anyway...along with Sakura Sake, Kitto Daijobou and We Can Make It.

now i'm falling in love with Nino's voice and Nino's acting and Nino's dramas...he just has that magical thing that most actors are missing.

i'm rambling yes. yes.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i am so bored. and tired. and lazy.

and i feel useless at this very moment.

i just yawned and i want to sleep.

so, okay. i need to blog about this.

i like this guy right? well, i think he likes someone else.





what the fuck is wrong with me?!

hm.

i'm tired of doing everyone else's jobs. i feel like they're just passing it on to me and i feel myself getting suffocated.

i'm young but i'm smart and i have a great memory. but i can only do so much. why can't they see that? it's so hard. and since i'm friends with most of them i can't turn around and say that they're piling all this shit on me because they're piled high with shit too.

i feel so burned out. and it's only been 4 months since i was back.

it kills me. slowly.

i feel so tired, i want to sleep, i want to keep reading. i want to go inside myself and just

search.

i keep looking for the reason why i'm still waiting. for that one reaction when he's just going to turn his head and hear my voice and just come

to me.

so i have this hole right, like, right beside my ear that's just screams and no one can hear it

but me.

it's like watching people throw love. away. when all i do it wait for this garbage to see me. to finally know that yes i'm alive and i've been waiting. i've been waiting. like i've been waiting for her to turn around and see me. like i've been waiting for that one true love to just sweep me off my feet. to not let me go away. to not throw me away.

like.

these things do not make sense to you. but it does to me.

very hard to explain.

i close my eyes and i see nothing. and i've been waiting to see something. a silouette of a dream. futile. like grasping filaments of something that is so much bigger than me, so far from where i stand that my fingers ache because i keep

reaching out.

and searching. and each time i find only darkness.

i'm afraid the gloom will swallow me whole.

so you wake up in the morning and take a bath and you stare at your closet for 15 mins before you decide what to wear. it's blankness. it's bleak. the future is looking very bleak. for people like me. it's like taking a bath and your hand wanders to that part of your body that's aching to be touched. only to be touched and feel empty. and when you close your eyes and let your body bask in the warmth and you think of the random faces you see but you never see only one. you never see the one. and this is sad. people see it in your eyes.

you say it never scares you. but it did.

so you write these things, to make the emptiness that much bigger.

it swallows you whole.